If we take a moment, most of us can come up with our personal theory of how (or, if) people change. Think about how you parent... Or, how you train your dog... Or, how you manage your spouse... Or, run a committee. Often, we'll say to ourselves, "If I'm nice, they'll do what I want them to do." On the other hand, we might say, "If they know they will be punished for doing the wrong thing, then I can get them to do the "right" thing." The stance we take is a manifestation of our theory of change. "If I let him off the hook, he'll never change." "If I don't nag him after school, he'll never do his homework." "If I stop beating myself up about my poor eating habits, I will never eat well."
Consider this as a possibility--nothing of any consequence changes until it is fully accepted. Of course, we can make people do things. But, that won't change their hearts...certainly not in the way most of us want hearts to change. Most of us want to change important things about us. Most of us begin to believe that's actually possible when we find someone who's willing to accept us fully.
Jake Thiessen, PhD
I've been working with couples for a very long time. And, I love it! This blog is my attempt to communicate some of the things I've learned over the past 40 years.