What is collaborative divorce?
There are essentially three ways couples can approach the divorce process. The most dreaded and painful approach is adversarial. When couples are in a long-standing, high conflict relationship, an adversarial approach is often, but not always, inevitable. This is particularly true when there are minor children and when there are substantial assets. With an adversarial stance, the divorce process resembles a battle with each side thinking very strategically in an attempt to win. The mindset is very often win-lose…if one wins the other loses. At the other end of the spectrum is the completely conflict-free divorce where both agree that the marriage needs to end and neither is invested in hurting the other or acquiring property from the other. The third approach is probably the most prevalent. In this case there may be substantial disagreement and conflict but also a desire to work through the process with a minimum of damage to the other and to children. Though conflict may be significant and hope for the marriage has long since been lost, there remains a desire to limit the pain of the experience. In this case, collaborative divorce can be the best approach.
In a typical collaborative divorce, each spouse hires an attorney and a trained mental health professional known as a divorce coach. Together, the couple may hire a neutral financial specialist and, if needed a child specialist as well. Essentially, when a couple pursues a collaborative divorce, they hire a team of divorce support professionals representing the three main components of divorce-the legal component, the financial component and the personal/emotional component.
Divorcing collaboratively is not magical. No doubt, the collaborative divorce process can be more complicated and require more maturity and stamina than more traditional ways of divorcing. But, for those who can endure it, there are lasting and meaningful benefits such as improved communication, better problem-solving skills, greater compassion between spouses and a workable definition of family for children.
Why have a divorce coach?
While a coach may seem like a luxury that an already expensive divorce cannot justify, in most instances, it is not. Most divorces, even those less contentious, involve heated emotions over core issues. For many couples, the issue of trust is central during divorce. Questions of trust often fuel conflicts around the division of property, child support and visitation. When people feel highly charged emotions such as anger, fear and guilt or feel extremely threatened, they often become reactive and say and do things they later regret. This reactivity can trigger an escalating cycle of emotional attacks between spouses.
The role of the divorce coach is to help manage and contain intense feelings as they arise in the dissolution process so they do not interfere with decisions that will impact the parties for years to come. The primary goal of the divorce coach is to help maintain open lines of communication between spouses and to facilitate productive problem-solving. A desired byproduct of divorce coaching is reducing the financial and emotional cost of divorce. Frequently, clients treat their attorneys as their emotional sounding boards. They talk to their attorney about the difficulties they experience with their spouse and, while some of this information may be pertinent to the outcome of the case, at $300 and up an hour, this is incredibly expensive therapy. A divorce coach, working closely with attorneys, can meet this need for a sounding board while reducing costs.
More Information
Please also visit our Turning Point: Collaborative Divorce Professionals web site.