Jake Thiessen, PhD
  • Home
  • About Me
  • Services
    • Individual Therapy
    • Couple Therapy
    • Weekend Couples Intensive
    • Couple Sex Therapy
    • Choosing A Path
    • Love Re-Imagined
    • Healing After An Affair
    • Pre-Marital Counseling
  • Contact
  • Dark Truths of Successful Marriage
  • Blog
  • Men's Group
  • Divorce Mediation
  • Reviews
  • Fees & Insurance
  • Online Help

Every couple is always just one sentence away from intimacy

how to talk so your partner will listen.

9/30/2019

1 Comment

 
Picture
Expressing yourself well goes a long way toward getting what you want. 
 
There are two important facets of self-expression…what you want to say and how you are saying it.  These are otherwise referred to as, content (what) and process (how).  Most of us make this distinction intuitively.  We react viscerally when someone says something with “attitude.”  In this case, their process gets in the way of communicating their content.
 
Knowing what you want to say is a great starting point.  There are five basic places to start when you are addressing a topic.
 
  • What are you thinking about the topic?
  • How are you feeling (emotions) about the topic?
  • What are you doing (actions) about the topic?
  • What are you intending relative to the topic?
  • What are you sensing about the topic?
 
Beyond these starting places, it’s important to avoid superlatives (e.g., always, never, best, worst, etc.) and certainty.  Superlatives and certainty tend to enflame.  When things are stated in extremes they tend to create defensiveness in the listener and therefore diminish the likelihood that your points will be received well.
 
Speaking tentatively invites the listener to join you.  Say things like:
 
“It seems to me that…”  

"I'm not certain but what I think you're saying is..."
 
In addition, it’s important to be as clear as possible about the emotions behind your expression.  Your emotions determine the intensity and the quality of your expression.  Take, for example, the following request:
 
“Please call if you are going to be late coming come.”
 
If this is said with patience and compassion it will likely be pretty easy to accept.  If, however, it’s said with anger and disdain, it will likely feel harsh or critical and therefore difficult to accept. 
 
Finally, have some empathy for your listener.  Check to see if they are ready to listen.  Do they have the time and energy to listen?  Is what you have to say likely to be what they want to hear?  If not, make sure you are grounded enough to say things respectfully.
 
To summarize, be clearly aware of what you want to say by identifying your thoughts, emotions, action, intentions and senses.  Then, get grounded.  Make sure what you are saying isn’t coming out with an intensity that would make it hard to listen to. Finally, have some empathy for your listener and his/her situation.
1 Comment

How to listen so your partner will talk

9/30/2019

0 Comments

 
Picture
There’s a substantial difference between hearing and listening.  It’s common to hear something but not listen to it.  For example, I can know that my partner is talking to me because I hear her voice.  But, if she asked me to tell her what she’d said I would have to admit to not knowing.  That’s because I heard but didn’t listen.
 
Here are some typical responses to hearing someone talk:
 
“I hear you.”
 
“I know what you mean.”
 
“I understand.”
 
“I get it.”
 
All of these responses are normal.  They are a standard part of being social and appropriate.  But they may have nothing to do with actually listening to what someone has said.
 
To test this out, the next time someone says to you, “I understand” ask them to tell you exactly what they understand.  Maybe they will “hit the nail on the head.”  Most likely, however, they will look at you quizzically and not know what to say.
 
Good listening is the fundamental building block of successful relationship life.  Without it, going forward in even the most basic conversation quickly becomes an exercise in miscommunication. 
 
To listen well do the following:
 
  • Set aside your personal agenda and devote all of your attention to what the other is saying both verbally and nonverbally.  What you have to say needs to wait until you have fully listened to what’s being said.
 
  • Notice how what you are listening to lands in your body. You listen with more than your ears.  Pay attention to how your body receives what the other is saying.
 
  • When something is said that seems particularly important, say back to the person exactly what they are saying to you.  As closely as possible match their words, their tone and their pace.  Do this only when something feels important.
 
  • Maintain appropriate eye contact.
 
  • Put away anything that might distract you such as electronic devices.
 
  • Take care of yourself as a listener.  You, the listener, are a critical to the successful outcome of the exchange.  Making sure you maintain the energy to listen well is important.  If necessary, stop the speaker and say, “Let me take a moment to make sure I’ve heard what you’ve said.”  Then describe what you’ve heard and get confirmation of the accuracy of your listening.
 
  • Inject your own perspective only after the speaker has completed his/her expression.  Then, preface your perspective by asking, “Would it be OK for me to tell you my thoughts on the subject?”  If the speaker gives permission, go ahead.  If not, remain the listener even if all you are listening to is silence.
 
What I’ve described here is a special kind of listening.  It’s reserved for problem-solving and the exchange of important ideas.  This isn’t appropriate when small talk is called for.  And, it isn’t appropriate when there’s an emergency requiring quick action.
 
Good listening is a sacred activity.  It takes practice.  Practice.  Practice.  Practice.
0 Comments

    Jake Thiessen, PhD

    I've been working with couples for a very long time.  And, I love it!  This blog is my attempt to communicate some of the things I've learned over the past 40 years.  

    Picture

    Archives

    October 2020
    June 2020
    September 2019
    August 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    September 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    August 2016
    July 2016
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Making Change Possibleossible


Hours

By Appointment

Telephone

717-743-4223

Email

ADDRESS
jake@couplesatcrossroads.com
Couples at Crossroads
525 North 12th Street,  Suite 100, Lemoyne, PA 17043
  • Home
  • About Me
  • Services
    • Individual Therapy
    • Couple Therapy
    • Weekend Couples Intensive
    • Couple Sex Therapy
    • Choosing A Path
    • Love Re-Imagined
    • Healing After An Affair
    • Pre-Marital Counseling
  • Contact
  • Dark Truths of Successful Marriage
  • Blog
  • Men's Group
  • Divorce Mediation
  • Reviews
  • Fees & Insurance
  • Online Help