Pre-Marital Counseling
Preparing for a life of commitment.
It’s true that you can never be fully prepared for something as life changing as marriage. But, pre-marital counseling can go a long way toward making the leap into a life commitment successful. The aim of pre-marital counseling is to identify your relationship patterns and your problem-solving styles. From there, the next step is to find reliable ways of moving through the conflict to a good resolution. Conflict is a normal part of marriage. The issues couples experience are pretty universal…money, time, sex/intimacy, parenting, in-laws.
Typically, it isn’t the issues themselves that create the conflict. Rather, real conflict comes from the differences between the two of you in how you approach the issues. For example, if she believes the best thing to do is to step back and allow things to play out and he believes that early and decisive intervention is what the situation needs, conflict is inevitable.
Each couple is unique. I don’t think one-size-fits-all. Your pre-marital work should be tailored to your specific strengths and difficulties. That having been said, here are some of the basic areas we will cover as you prepare to have the best marriage possible.
Typically, it isn’t the issues themselves that create the conflict. Rather, real conflict comes from the differences between the two of you in how you approach the issues.
Some topics that deserve your attention...
Problem Solving Style
Each of us has our own, natural problem-solving style. Usually this is the product of our temperament. Often it comes out of experiences we’ve had. Knowing your problem-solving style and your partner’s will help you to understand what is happening in the middle of conflict.
Empathy
There’s nothing like a good, healthy dose of empathy to make a relationship go more smoothly. We all want to be understood. That’s what empathy does…it gives us the assurance that our partner really understands what things are like for us.
Patterns of Relating
All marriages are pattern driven. Couples pretty quickly fall into predictable ways of relating to each other. Sometimes these patterns can be really useful. They can help to get things done more efficiently. At other times, they are shortcuts to a stuck place that limits new, more interesting interactions. Knowing your patterns of relating can give you a perspective on your relationship.
Getting Grounded
Reactivity is toxic to relationships. We have phrases that describe reactivity… “I lost it.” “I was beside myself.” These are things we say when we “fly off the handle.” The ability to get grounded when things are difficult can determine whether the conflict is productive or destructive.
Experiencing Respect
Although love is really important, respect is the thing that forms the foundation of a strong relationship. This is particularly true when times are tough. If I truly respect my partner I am more likely to trust and love will be easier to experience.
Noticing Strengths
Having a clear sense of your relationship strengths can help maintain a positive definition of your marriage. Knowing your strengths will allow you to say, “We have a good marriage with occasional tough spots.”