Divorce MediationDivorce mediation is essentially a problem solving conversation between spouses who have decided to end their marriage. The divorce mediator's responsibility is to provide the couple with a structured, balanced and safe environment within which they can come to a mutually agreed upon conclusion about property distribution and time with children. As opposed to the court system, divorce mediation is completely voluntary, non-adversarial and confidential. The court system tends to be coercive, adversarial and public. In addition, mediation is likely to be much less expensive than litigation and much quicker.
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I believe divorce is primarily an emotional event and that the legal aspect of divorce is simply formalizes the intention and/or the fact of the emotional divorce. The legal profession has an essential role in divorce but that it should be engaged at the end of the process not at the beginning.
Some thoughts on divorce...
When people say they are getting married, we automatically think about the wedding. When they say they are getting a divorce we almost automatically think they are going to an attorney to begin a legal process. We are inclined to mark the beginning and ending of marriage in very concrete terms. We have a date when the marriage begins and ends. And, these dates are associated with legal or formal events. We can point to a marriage certificate and a divorce decree. Both are legal, formal and dated as if the marriage actually began and ended on the dates designated.
We all know, however, that this kind of distinct beginning and ending is not the way marriage actually works. Most of the time, the wedding is a celebration of something (marriage) that took place weeks, months or even years earlier. The marriage certificate and date simply validate the commitment made. Likewise, the actual divorce decree is simply the validation of a process that likely took months or years to complete.
So, like marriage, divorce is both an emotional and legal event. In fact, for most couples the emotional aspect of divorce is much more difficult, time consuming and perhaps important than the legal aspect. When asked, most divorce attorneys will acknowledge that the legal dimension of divorce is often the place where couples act out their emotional divorce. The net result is that each party commits to pay $250 to $450 per hour to an attorney who will deal with emotional issues but who has no training in that area and who often exacerbates the emotional aspects of the divorce by using aggressive and adversarial language.
We all know, however, that this kind of distinct beginning and ending is not the way marriage actually works. Most of the time, the wedding is a celebration of something (marriage) that took place weeks, months or even years earlier. The marriage certificate and date simply validate the commitment made. Likewise, the actual divorce decree is simply the validation of a process that likely took months or years to complete.
So, like marriage, divorce is both an emotional and legal event. In fact, for most couples the emotional aspect of divorce is much more difficult, time consuming and perhaps important than the legal aspect. When asked, most divorce attorneys will acknowledge that the legal dimension of divorce is often the place where couples act out their emotional divorce. The net result is that each party commits to pay $250 to $450 per hour to an attorney who will deal with emotional issues but who has no training in that area and who often exacerbates the emotional aspects of the divorce by using aggressive and adversarial language.
A Different Way to Divorce
If divorce is all about disentangling two people emotionally, then it makes sense to begin with a mediator as opposed to an attorney. The legal process is by its very nature adversarial. To add an adversarial ingredient to an already conflict ridden situation is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Granted, eventually the fire will burn itself out but the damage that will likely occur in the process is usually substantial.
My approach to divorce begins with the assumption that most divorcing couples are seeking freedom—freedom from anger, confusion and fear. Many who have experienced a difficult divorce would attest to the fact that introducing an attorney at the onset of the divorce process only increases anger, confusion and fear. As a result, I believe divorce mediation is a viable route to divorce that will benefit many, if not most, divorcing couples.
My approach to divorce begins with the assumption that most divorcing couples are seeking freedom—freedom from anger, confusion and fear. Many who have experienced a difficult divorce would attest to the fact that introducing an attorney at the onset of the divorce process only increases anger, confusion and fear. As a result, I believe divorce mediation is a viable route to divorce that will benefit many, if not most, divorcing couples.
Advantages of Divorce Mediation
- It's less costly.
- You control the discussion and the outcome.
- You get more personal attention.
- It's a faster resolution.
- It's confidential.
- It offers greater flexibility.
- It protects children from conflict.
- It's less adversarial.
- It provides greater opportunity for a creative, tailored family plan.
- It allows for greater post-divorce stability.