How to listen so your partner will talk

There’s a substantial difference between hearing and listening.  It’s common to hear something but not listen to it.  For example, I can know that my partner is talking to me because I hear her voice.  But, if she asked me to tell her what she’d said I would have to admit to not knowing.  That’s because I heard but didn’t listen.
 
Here are some typical responses to hearing someone talk:
 
“I hear you.”
 
“I know what you mean.”
 
“I understand.”
 
“I get it.”
 
All of these responses are normal.  They are a standard part of being social and appropriate.  But they may have nothing to do with actually listening to what someone has said.
 
To test this out, the next time someone says to you, “I understand” ask them to tell you exactly what they understand.  Maybe they will “hit the nail on the head.”  Most likely, however, they will look at you quizzically and not know what to say.
 
Good listening is the fundamental building block of successful relationship life.  Without it, going forward in even the most basic conversation quickly becomes an exercise in miscommunication. 
 
To listen well do the following:
 

• Set aside your personal agenda and devote all of your attention to what the other is saying both verbally and nonverbally.  What you have to say needs to wait until you have fully listened to what’s being said.

 

• Notice how what you are listening to lands in your body. You listen with more than your ears.  Pay attention to how your body receives what the other is saying.

 

• When something is said that seems particularly important, say back to the person exactly what they are saying to you.  As closely as possible match their words, their tone and their pace.  Do this only when something feels important.

 

• Maintain appropriate eye contact.

 

• Put away anything that might distract you such as electronic devices.

 

• Take care of yourself as a listener.  You, the listener, are a critical to the successful outcome of the exchange.  Making sure you maintain the energy to listen well is important.  If necessary, stop the speaker and say, “Let me take a moment to make sure I’ve heard what you’ve said.”  Then describe what you’ve heard and get confirmation of the accuracy of your listening.

 

• Inject your own perspective only after the speaker has completed his/her expression.  Then, preface your perspective by asking, “Would it be OK for me to tell you my thoughts on the subject?”  If the speaker gives permission, go ahead.  If not, remain the listener even if all you are listening to is silence.

 
What I’ve described here is a special kind of listening.  It’s reserved for problem-solving and the exchange of important ideas.  This isn’t appropriate when small talk is called for.  And, it isn’t appropriate when there’s an emergency requiring quick action.
 
Good listening is a sacred activity.  It takes practice.  Practice.  Practice.  Practice.