![]() I live in a world, both personal and professional, where the recurrent questions are, “What do I need to do to be happy?” or, “Why am I not happier?” or, “My husband/wife isn’t happy. What should I do?” Each of these questions makes happiness the central goal. In these cases it’s not the freedom to pursue happiness that’s desired. It’s the actual acquisition of happiness. Not too long ago it came to me that there are some dark truths associated with marital success. I like the notion of dark truths. To me, it suggests depth, mystery and possibility. So, I thought I’d develop a seminar on the subject. In an effort to promote the endeavor I contacted a group that specializes in Facebook advertising. When presented with the concept (The Dark Truths of Successful Marriage), the consultant pointed out that Facebook doesn’t like things that suggest difficulty or unpleasantness. Facebook prefers upbeat and happy posts. I thought, “That’s really interesting! How does anyone get to a better place without some difficulty and unpleasantness?” After all, we pin a lot of hope on the idea captured by, “No pain. No gain.” In an effort to better understand the need for happiness, I often ask clients, “If you HAD to choose between a happy life and a meaningful life, which would you choose?” For most, this is a difficult question. How it’s answered matters a lot. Imagine experiencing a period of relationship conflict. It’s not fun! It undoubtedly leads to substantial unhappiness. Then, imagine saying to yourself, “I really want to be happy. I can’t stand this misery.” What would be the next step? Alternately, imagine the same situation but this time saying to yourself, “I really need to find some meaning in this difficulty.” What would be the next step? How you approach a situation when happiness is the primary goal can differ greatly from how you approach it when meaning is the primary goal. Truth be told, happiness and meaning are intertwined. They probably can’t be completely separated. But, it matters which you put first when dealing with difficult times. When difficult times are approached with an effort to find meaning, they are necessarily given close attention and respect. When they are approached with happiness as the primary goal, they will likely be greeted with annoyance and exasperation. Consider looking for a depth of meaning when tough times show up. Chances are, sticking with this approach will result in genuine happiness when all is said and done.
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Imagine you are afraid of spiders. Now, imagine walking into your kitchen, going to the sink when suddenly you see a spider run across the counter. Instinctually you recoil, gasp and leave the room.
That is an example of doing what comes naturally. In all likelihood, no one taught you to respond that way. It was a completely natural reaction. Most of what we do is a natural, built-in response to our experience. For example, some of us naturally respond to anger by becoming angry ourselves. Some of us, on the other hand, naturally respond to anger by withdrawing and disengaging. These natural responses, repeated over time, create patterns of behavior between intimate partners. Once a pattern is established, changing how we relate becomes particularly difficult. Improving a relationship often demands changing an established pattern of relating. And, making that change demands that we stop doing what comes naturally. As long as we do what comes naturally, nothing changes. Change comes when we have the creativity and courage to do something that feels unnatural. For example, instead of responding to anger with anger, I choose to respond with openness. Instead of responding to anger by withdrawing, I choose to respond with a willingness to dialogue. In both of these cases the new response will feel unnatural…even scary. Needing to do things that feel unnatural is one of the reasons change is so difficult. It's by doing what feels unnatural that we increase the chances of real change. Expressing yourself well goes a long way toward getting what you want.
There are two important facets of self-expression…what you want to say and how you are saying it. These are otherwise referred to as, content (what) and process (how). Most of us make this distinction intuitively. We react viscerally when someone says something with “attitude.” In this case, their process gets in the way of communicating their content. Knowing what you want to say is a great starting point. There are five basic places to start when you are addressing a topic.
Beyond these starting places, it’s important to avoid superlatives (e.g., always, never, best, worst, etc.) and certainty. Superlatives and certainty tend to enflame. When things are stated in extremes they tend to create defensiveness in the listener and therefore diminish the likelihood that your points will be received well. Speaking tentatively invites the listener to join you. Say things like: “It seems to me that…” "I'm not certain but what I think you're saying is..." In addition, it’s important to be as clear as possible about the emotions behind your expression. Your emotions determine the intensity and the quality of your expression. Take, for example, the following request: “Please call if you are going to be late coming come.” If this is said with patience and compassion it will likely be pretty easy to accept. If, however, it’s said with anger and disdain, it will likely feel harsh or critical and therefore difficult to accept. Finally, have some empathy for your listener. Check to see if they are ready to listen. Do they have the time and energy to listen? Is what you have to say likely to be what they want to hear? If not, make sure you are grounded enough to say things respectfully. To summarize, be clearly aware of what you want to say by identifying your thoughts, emotions, action, intentions and senses. Then, get grounded. Make sure what you are saying isn’t coming out with an intensity that would make it hard to listen to. Finally, have some empathy for your listener and his/her situation. There’s a substantial difference between hearing and listening. It’s common to hear something but not listen to it. For example, I can know that my partner is talking to me because I hear her voice. But, if she asked me to tell her what she’d said I would have to admit to not knowing. That’s because I heard but didn’t listen.
Here are some typical responses to hearing someone talk: “I hear you.” “I know what you mean.” “I understand.” “I get it.” All of these responses are normal. They are a standard part of being social and appropriate. But they may have nothing to do with actually listening to what someone has said. To test this out, the next time someone says to you, “I understand” ask them to tell you exactly what they understand. Maybe they will “hit the nail on the head.” Most likely, however, they will look at you quizzically and not know what to say. Good listening is the fundamental building block of successful relationship life. Without it, going forward in even the most basic conversation quickly becomes an exercise in miscommunication. To listen well do the following:
What I’ve described here is a special kind of listening. It’s reserved for problem-solving and the exchange of important ideas. This isn’t appropriate when small talk is called for. And, it isn’t appropriate when there’s an emergency requiring quick action. Good listening is a sacred activity. It takes practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. One of the first questions I ask at the beginning of couple therapy is, “What made you decide couple therapy was the thing to do?” Almost universally the response has something to do with communication. Typically, one or both will say something like, “We don’t communicate.” Most of the time that response is accompanied by some confusion and a fair amount of frustration. The confusion and frustration usually come from a firmly held belief that the other is unable or unwilling to fulfill his/her side of the communication equation.
The truth is that in a relationship, there is no such thing as NOT communicating. Everything we do communicates something. Sitting silently with arms folded across the chest communicates something. Rolled eyes and heavy sighs communicate something. Turning toward or away from someone communicates. Tone of voice communicates. The pace of talking communicates. Not talking communicates. Throwing “F” bombs across the room communicates very clearly. So, the notion of not communicating is simply wrong headed. And the notion that added communication will, in and of itself, improve things is equally wrong headed. When couples say, “We don’t communicate,” they are really saying, “We don’t have conversations that successfully resolve issues.” All conversation is communication but, not all communication is conversation. The real goal is conversation because conversation is at the core of relationship health. In a conversation, there are, of course, two roles that need attention…the speaker role and the listener role. Although both are essential, the listener role deserves our immediate attention for several reasons. First, most have never been taught how to listen well. Second, expressing ourselves comes more or less automatically so it doesn’t need immediate attention. Granted, the expressions are often less than desirable but they are, nevertheless, there. Third, good listening has the power to change a relationship because it actively and authentically demonstrates love and respect in a way that speaking just can’t. Although listening deserves our greatest attention, how we express ourselves, verbally and nonverbally, also deserves attention. Since self-expression is naturally active, its source is really important. If the source of my expression is patience and compassion things will likely go well. If, on the other hand, the source of my expression is frustration, anger or even revenge, things will likely not go so well. Attending to the source of self-expression is a good place to start when trying to improve the speaker side of conversation. Stay tuned. I’ll tell you how to listen so your partner will talk. Clearly, punctuation matters!
It’s not only sentences that are affected by punctuation. History is also affected. Listen to any couple having an argument and you will notice fairly quickly that they spend a good bit of time going over historical events. It doesn’t have to be the distant past. In fact, it’s most often about the recent past…sometimes the very recent past. Here’s an example. Ken: Last night, I was just sitting there enjoying some down time when all of a sudden you started in on me. I didn’t do anything to deserve all that. I was just minding my own business and out of the blue you laid into me. I don’t get it! It’s like you’re looking for ways to make me feel bad. Judy: Out of the blue!? You’ve got to be kidding me! I’d asked you a dozen times over past couple of days to make sure you’d paid the electric bill. What happens? Nothing! And, today we got a shut-off notice. Ken: Well, I asked you yesterday if there was enough money in the checking account to pay the bill. You acted as if you didn’t even hear me. I would have paid it if you had just told me we had the money. What’s interesting about this exchange is that both of them are telling the truth and describing things pretty much exactly as they happened. The problem lies in the way they punctuate history. Judy says the history of this event started days ago when she began asking Ken to pay the bill. Looked at from her perspective, Ken appears to be in the wrong. Ken, on the other hand, says the history of the event started at one of two spots. First, it started when he was relaxing and was attacked for no apparent reason. When that doesn’t work, he suggests a second starting place--when he asked Judy if there was enough money in their checking to pay the bill. Looked at from his perspective, Judy appears to be in the wrong. It’s important to notice two things. First, there is the sequence of events generating the conflict. Second, there’s the effort to assign blame. The effort to assign blame requires each to punctuate the sequence of events in a way that leaves one innocent and the other at fault. If a couple can appreciate the impact of punctuation they might be able to step back and see the bigger picture and therefore resolve things more easily. There are few decisions weightier than then decision to marry. Though the decision is weighty most people have no real conception of the complexity of marriage. There’s just a lot that goes into putting two lives together particularly if the intention is to remain together until “death does us part.” There are many variations on the marriage theme. Here are two. The first is the traditional perspective. The second takes into account the dynamism most people want to experience in an intimate relationship.
Scene One The big day has arrived. Months of planning and a substantial outlay of resources have gone into the event. Friends and family are gathered. Everyone is all smiles. The bride has walked up the aisle and been greeted by her groom. Vows are exchanged. The couple is pronounced “married.” They then walk back down the aisle and into a beautifully furnished cell. They close the door behind them, lock it and pitch the key out of reach. Everyday thereafter they get up and say, “I love you. I choose you.” In this case, the “I love you” makes sense but the “I choose you” doesn’t because they pitched the key out of reach. The choice each made was a once and done thing. In this scene there is no option for a daily choice. Rather, the couple has opted for the security that comes with removing choice. Scene Two The big day has arrived. Months of planning and a substantial outlay of resources have gone into the event. Friends and family are gathered. Everyone is all smiles. The bride has walked up the aisle and been greeted by her groom. Vows are exchanged. The couple is pronounced “married.” They then walk back down the aisle and into a beautifully furnished cell. They close the door behind them, lock it and each puts a key in his/her pocket. Everyday thereafter they get up and say, “I love you. I choose you.” In this case, both the “I love you” the “I choose you” make sense because the each has access to a key. Here’s the problem… Most of us want to feel secure. We want to know that our lives are built on a firm foundation. At the same time, most of us want to feel loved, desired and chosen…every day. Love, desire and choice can only be fully expressed when we feel free. The confines of a marriage from which there is no exit guarantees security but it eliminates the freedom necessary to express love, desire and choice. By the same token, introducing freedom adds risk to the relationship. How risk is managed determines the level of marital satisfaction. Some couples are willing to give up freedom in order to gain security. Their happiness is rooted in security. Others, prefer the potential for growth that comes with risk. They believe a healthy long-term connection requires fresh air, the right amount of space and clearly marked exits. In the end, couples have to ask themselves, "Will our love and desire grow in the absence of choice? Or, does the fire of love and desire require the oxygen that freedom provides?" It’s their first session of couple therapy. I’ve invited Josh and Sarah to have a seat on the couch. They are obviously anxious, wondering what to expect. After exchanging some pleasantries, Sarah announces, “We just keep having stupid argument after stupid argument. We can’t seem to get out of the loop.”
This is a really familiar start. Thankfully, I’m no longer tempted to ask about the content of their “stupid arguments.” Instead, my first response is to say, “There’s no such thing as a stupid argument. It just doesn’t exist. There are plenty of stupid topics but there’s never a stupid argument.” What I want to convey is that every argument a couple has contains the seeds of what’s really going on between the two of them. Every argument, no matter what the topic, revolves around an important, even essential, issue. Sometimes the arguments are about power or control. Who gets to decide what happens next? Who is in charge? Sometimes they are around concerns one or the other has about the quality of their attachment. Do you really love me? Will you stay with me? Sometimes they are about fear that the other isn’t being open and honest. I don’t know if I can trust what you’re saying. It feels like more is going on than meets the eye. The more a couple focuses their attention on the topic of the argument, the less likely they are to resolve the underlying issue that fuels the argument. Focusing on the topic is often like focusing on the symptom rather than the actual disease. Granted, symptoms can be really compelling. It takes a lot of self-discipline to effectively look past the topic of the argument and attend to the real issue. So… the next time you find yourself in the middle of what feels like a stupid argument, ask yourself, “What’s really going on here? What are the deeper issues we are confronting in the middle of this stupid argument?” When asked to identify the basic feature of a lasting relationship, most people will say “love.” Defined in the broadest way, perhaps that’s true. But, most people don’t define love broadly. Rather, they define it primarily as the manifestation of desire. Do you want to be with me? Do you look forward to seeing me and talking with me? Do you want to grow old with me? These are the kinds of questions that underlie the question of love for most couples.
Love is, of course, really important. So is desire. Without them a relationship can quickly feel flat and uninteresting. They deserve to be actively cultivated. But, they are to a long-term relationship what an excellent appetizer and a fantastic desert are to a good meal. Love and desire are necessary but they are not sufficient. There are four essential ingredients every lasting relationship relies on. PATIENCE The ability to absorb undesirable experiences is a hallmark of patience. There isn’t a couple out there that will say they expect their marriage to be easy. They all acknowledge the difficulty of maintaining a commitment over time. Yet, they don’t typically have a grip on what the difficulty they expect will require of them. In a word, all of the difficulties couples encounter will require a huge dose of patience before they require anything else. Patience is the first and most powerful characteristic of a successful couple’s ability to weather difficult times. BALANCE By definition, a relationship requires at least two individuals. Each individual brings a unique set of wants and needs to the union. In a not-so-happy relationship these wants and needs are sometimes dealt with in a competitively. It can look like a tug-of-war with the winner extracting satisfaction from the looser but with little relationship joy when all is said and done. Another version of the not-so-happy relationship occurs when one always expresses wants and needs while the other always responds. A satisfying long-term relationship occurs when both parties have found a way to balance their wants and needs. It looks much more like a dance than a tug-of-war. Each knows when to express a want or need and when to listen responsively to a want or need being expressed. KNOWLEDGE From cooking to carpentry to marriage, all successful creative endeavors require proficiency...skills. Knowing what to do, when to do it and how to do it are really important. Each of us brings a set of skills to our relationship. Sometimes that set of skills is extensive and well developed. Often it is insufficient and shakey. Learning relationship skills is not all that difficult given an appreciation for their importance. If you want to become a great chef you don’t dismiss the value of good knife skills, an understanding of how favors are combined and an appreciation for beautiful presentation. By the same token, if you want to be a good partner you can’t dismiss the value of good listening, clear self-disclosure and competent problem-solving skills. SUPPORT They say, “You don’t grow a rose in a swamp.” Growing a beautiful rose requires the right soil, light and context. Growing a lasting relationship also requires a context that nourishes and sustains. Sometimes that comes in the form of a network of friends and family. Sometimes the support comes in the form of a mutually agreed upon world-view. A lasting and satisfying relationship always finds itself “held” by something external to itself. Love and desire are incredibly important but they are not sufficient. Without patience, balance, knowledge and support, love and desire can easily fade leaving disappointment and confusion. Adding empathy and context to your apology gives it some real healing potential. Dan: I’m sorry! Really! I didn’t mean to upset you. It was only a joke. Please don’t take it so seriously. Tracey: Well, it was a damn poor joke! How am I supposed to think what you said was a joke. The truth is, you’ve said that kind of thing in the past and it sure as hell wasn’t a joke then. Dan: Yeah…I know. I thought we were in a better place. I thought we could be a little playful about stuff that used to cause a lot of arguing. I’m sorry! Can’t you just accept my apology and let it go? Tracey: No! I can’t just let it go. It hit too close to home. This is stuff I still have a hard time forgetting. Dan: Jeez! Again, I’m sorry… Here’s the situation. Dan screwed up. He created a painful experience that Tracey can’t let go. He’s apologized several times and his apologies are sincere. Tracey knows they’re sincere. Yet, she can’t accept the apology and move on. Why is that? Apologies are important…even essential. But, unless the infraction is pretty trivial, they don’t wrap the up the event, tie a neat bow around it and set it aside. What do apologies accomplish? Well, they open the door to a deeper, more healing conversation. They are the key that opens the door. They create a way to cross the threshold. They elicit permission for something more comprehensive. That’s all they are. Once the apology has opened the door, the hard work can begin. The task ahead is to demonstrate an understanding and appreciation for the offended party’s experience including how that experience fits in history. It’s one thing to recognize the fact that I hurt you. It’s another thing to put that hurt in a historical context. Appreciating the context demonstrates acceptance of the meaning given to the hurt. My job as the offender is not to simply apologize. It is to take the additional step of letting the offended person know I appreciate how the hurt landed in his/her life and what ripple effects might have been generated. An example…
I’m sorry! I get that you didn’t find my joke funny. Now that I’ve heard your side of things I realize how much what I said brought back stuff from the past for you. I can see that there’s a lot from the past that’s not resolved. I would like for us to spend some time getting that stuff out in the open and dealt with. I know you’re still feeling some pain from things I said years ago and that what I said today just brought all that back up. |
Jake Thiessen, PhDI've been working with couples for a very long time. And, I love it! This blog is my attempt to communicate some of the things I've learned over the past 40 years. Archives
October 2020
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