SHOULD MARRIAGE HAVE A CLEARLY MARKED EXIT DOOR?

There are few decisions weightier than then decision to marry.  Though the decision is weighty most people have no real conception of the complexity of marriage. There’s just a lot that goes into putting two lives together particularly if the intention is to remain together until “death does us part.”  There are many variations on the marriage theme.  Here are two.  The first is the traditional perspective.  The second takes into account the dynamism most people want to experience in an intimate relationship.
 
Scene One
 
The big day has arrived.  Months of planning and a substantial outlay of resources have gone into the event.  Friends and family are gathered.  Everyone is all smiles.  The bride has walked up the aisle and been greeted by her groom.  Vows are exchanged.  The couple is pronounced “married.”
 
They then walk back down the aisle and into a beautifully furnished cell.  They close the door behind them, lock it and pitch the key out of reach.
 
Everyday thereafter they get up and say, “I love you.  I choose you.”  In this case, the “I love you” makes sense but the “I choose you” doesn’t because they pitched the key out of reach.  The choice each made was a once and done thing.  In this scene there is no option for a daily choice.  Rather, the couple has opted for the security that comes with removing choice.
 
Scene Two
 
The big day has arrived.  Months of planning and a substantial outlay of resources have gone into the event.  Friends and family are gathered.  Everyone is all smiles.  The bride has walked up the aisle and been greeted by her groom.  Vows are exchanged.  The couple is pronounced “married.”
 
They then walk back down the aisle and into a beautifully furnished cell.  They close the door behind them, lock it and each puts a key in his/her pocket.
 
Everyday thereafter they get up and say, “I love you.  I choose you.”  In this case, both the “I love you” the “I choose you” make sense because the each has access to a key. 
 
Here’s the problem…
 
Most of us want to feel secure.  We want to know that our lives are built on a firm foundation.  At the same time, most of us want to feel loved, desired and chosen…every day.  Love, desire and  choice can only be fully expressed when we feel free.  The confines of a marriage from which there is no exit guarantees security but it eliminates the freedom necessary to express love, desire and choice.  By the same token, introducing freedom adds risk to the relationship.  How risk is managed determines the level of marital satisfaction.
 
Some couples are willing to give up freedom in order to gain security.  Their happiness is rooted in security.  Others, prefer the potential for growth that comes with risk.  They believe a healthy long-term connection requires fresh air, the right amount of space and clearly marked exits.   

​In the end, couples have to ask themselves, "Will our love and desire grow in the absence of choice?  Or, does the fire of love and desire require the oxygen that freedom provides?"