Coming to terms with yourself.

It’s one thing to look at a relationship and wonder about its health. It’s quite another thing to look at the individual who’s in the relationship and wonder about his/her health. The truth is that to achieve your relationship goals, you must come to terms not only with your relationship but also with yourself.  Both demand some rigorous self-examination.

Let’s take a little time to look at you … the individual who’s a part of the relationship … because when you embark on changing yourself you sow the seeds necessary to prompt change in your relationship.

Self-examination for most people begins with cataloging shortcomings and failures.  Most of us are all too quick to notice our flaws. But it is equally important to note our strengths. For example, notice the times when you’ve acted out of fear. Then notice the times when you’ve exercised courage. 

Because evolution has hardwired us for caution (anxiety) noting occasions of fear tends to come easily. After all, most of us live with a small mountain of concerns…some significant and others mundane. And, it can be useful to acknowledge fear as a way of managing it. 

Noting moments of courage, on the other hand…the times when you’ve successfully put some “skin in the game" can be more difficult. 

For example, if your partner has been expressing dissatisfaction with your relationship, self-examination should include acknowledging both that you find this frightening and that you need to muster the courage to address his or her dissatisfaction. You might say something like:

“When you tell me you’re unhappy I start to think our relationship is in trouble. It scares me. I want you to know that I’m committed to looking at myself and making some changes.”

One of the gifts of a committed, intimate relationship is that it offers the ideal environment for attending to who you really are. If you pay close attention you get to see yourself, in minute detail, through both your own eyes and the eyes of your partner.

To begin to see yourself through your partner’s eyes ask yourself, “What is it like for him/her to be in a relationship with me?” This kind of self-reflection can be unpleasant but it provides the feedback necessary to make personal change possible.

Most of us get into an intimate relationship because doing so offers a chance to meet important needs. An often-overlooked need is the need for personal growth. An intimate relationship is to the individual what a competent opponent is to an athlete. Without that “other” there’s no real way to come to terms with one’s own strengths and weaknesses.