Dancing with your daemon.

David, like most people who take their relationship seriously and want to be a good partner, has had his share of unpleasant conversations about where he falls short. In a session with his partner, George, he recalled one such conversation:

It feels like it happened yesterday. George described me as frightened. The idea that I was fearful was so thoroughly outside my consciousness that I took offense. Defending myself, I said I’d successfully navigated all kinds of tough situations, so how in the world could I be fearful?It’s painful to recall that conversation because it showed how poorly I understood myself at the time. Now I see how much energy I put into defending myself when I really needed to acknowledge the truth that many of my decisions and much of my behavior were rooted in fear. I was afraid of being vulnerable and of disappointing George. I have since learned that fear is my daemon.

The idea that we each have our own, unique daemon has been around for a long time. Carl Jung referred to it when he identified the shadow part of us as important and influential. The Enneagram, a personality typing system, refers to it as central to how we approach our lives. Fantasy novelist Philip Pullman, in the His Dark Materials trilogy, externalizes his characters’ daemons as intelligent beings in animal form that are a vital part of how the characters grow and relate. In the computing world, daemons are programs that run in the background, enabling the user to complete tasks without having to attend to programming details.

“Daemon” refers to basic tendencies of temperament and personality that underlie how a person thinks and much of what they do. When you think of someone as “laid back” or “hot headed,” you are usually pointing out their daemon.

Steven Pinker, in The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature, is referring to the daemon when he says there are fundamental parts of us that can’t be changed by our environment. We were born with traits (daemons) that stay with us no matter what we do. You can alter these traits to some extent, but they can’t be eliminated.

It’s naïve to relate to yourself or others without acknowledging that something powerful is operating beneath or alongside the obvious. It’s like assuming an apparently tranquil, free-flowing river has no power to overwhelm.

Coming to terms with your daemon, recognizing the strengths and weaknesses it brings, is fundamental to healthy commitment. If you want your relationship to have the kind of integrity necessary for healthy growth, you must begin by acknowledging your basic nature. You can’t ignore who you are and what it is that “makes you tick.”

The more you are willing to acknowledge your daemon and explore it, the more you have to offer an intimate partner. Knowing your daemon and relating well with it leads to deeper conversations and new avenues for relationship growth.

For David, knowing fear is his daemon makes him sensitive to times when he needs to take a risk, and it helps him ensure those risks are reasonable. When he had a bad relationship with fear, he had no way of effectively navigating the important task of maintaining a healthy commitment.