What happens when a couple focuses on potholes and neglects where the road is going?

My job as a therapist is to receive information (all kinds of information) without reacting to it. I’m supposed to respond as if what I’m hearing is no more than one standard deviation from the mean…that it’s all pretty normal. That being said, here’s one of the things that makes me a little crazy. And, of course, it only makes me crazy because I have a never-to-be-revealed-except-this-one-time, specific bias.

Let’s start here. 

I often stop a couple fighting by offering them a choice…

“We can spend our time identifying every pothole in the road and try to fix it or we can wonder where the road is going and assume the potholes will become less and less relevant as we pursue our destination.”

It seems pretty clear to me (here’s my bias) that where the road takes us is much more important than whether the ride is a little bumpy. Sure, we want our ride to be as smooth as possible but when it isn’t, we should try to keep our eyes on where we’re going rather than lose track of our destination because we’re preoccupied with potholes.

It amazes me how easily couples are drawn into “pothole” arguments… how easily couples get snagged by details of a long past exchange. The inclination to recall slights experienced is substantial. The effort to even the score seems irresistible. All of this without regard to the additional damage inflicted by reliving past difficulties. The relationship begins to be seen through the lens of “potholes” experienced. As opposed to the “potholes” being experienced through the lens of established love and commitment. 

My take on intimate relationships is that they are very similar to contact sports. In order to play any sport well (perhaps contact sports in particular) you have to love the sport. You have to love it so deeply that you are able to (within reason) ignore injuries. In fact, when playing a contact sport, injuries are to be expected. And, playing well in spite of them is a badge of success.

None of this is to suggest one should endure disrespect and/or abuse. Even in contact sports those features are penalized. I am, however, suggesting that preoccupation with a bumpy ride can get in the way of maintaining a productive sense of direction.

Consider this…

The best relationships acknowledge wounds but don’t identify with them.he best relationships acknowledge wounds but don’t identify with them.