What to do when disappointment shows up.

Disappointment shows up very early in life. Of course, at the time we don’t know what it is. But, we can feel it when cries from the crib don’t produce the response desperately desired. It’s not until much later that we label the ache that accompanies dashed hopes and expectations as disappointment. Over time, it solidifies as we determine that the thing we desire seems to be entirely reasonable. The gap between this-is-a-reasonable-request and the lack of fulfillment is where disappointment emerges and takes root.

Fast forward…

Our greatest hopes and desires show up when we initiate an Intimate relationship.

With great hope and great desire comes the potential for disappointment. Consequently, the ability to manage disappointment is a key feature of well-functioning couples. When disappointment is managed poorly resentment can easily take hold. When managed well, couples are able to maintain perspective and see each other and their relationship realistically. Managed well, disappointment need not thwart constructive problem-solving.

Hopes and desires move us forward. Without them we stagnate. It’s a simple fact that when we muster the courage to move forward (take a risk) we leave ourselves open to disappointment. Relationship growth requires risk taking. And, risk taking exposes us to disappointment. It’s a simple sequence. 

When we manage disappointment poorly, we are less likely to take risks and therefore, less likely to experience growth. 

Here are some simple suggestions for managing disappointment.

1. Notice the big picture. It’s when we focus on the particular pain point that we lose perspective and easily become discouraged. By taking into account the bigger picture we put the particular disappointment in a context.

   
   

2. Attend to your resilience. Take note of past occasions where you have weathered difficulty and come out the other side.

   
   

3. Notice multiple truths. For example… The truth is that I am very disappointed. The truth also is that this is no surprise. In addition, the truth is that I can do something about this. Further, the truth is that I am not alone. The disappointment you experience may be huge but it’s unlikely to be the only thing you’re experiencing.

   
   

4. Get grounded physically. It’s cliche, for sure, but it’s true… Take a walk in nature. Monitor your breathing. Do some simple physical exercises. Take a shower or bath. Feel your body!

   
   

5. Pay attention to some of the basic virtues… Patience, Courage, Compassion, Hope, Love.

   
   

6. Embrace the truth that this too will pass. Nothing stays forever… not good things and not bad things.

   
   

Consider this...

Lying on a bed of nails may be uncomfortable but it’s doable. Lying on one nail will kill you. So, don’t allow yourself to fixate on your disappointment. Instead, spread your perspective over a range of experiences and emotions.