What is your relationship costing you? And, are you willing to pay the price?

From time to time it is useful to assess your relationship…deliberately. This is different from those moments when you find yourself completely pissed off at some dumb sh*t he/she just said or did that made you want to throw him/her to the curb. In a moment like that you are clearly assessing your relationship but you doing so reactively, not deliberately.

A deliberate assessment requires stepping back from your relationship life far enough to get a wide-angle view of it. It requires looking at your relationship from a grounded and regulated place. For the best results, the assessment should be planned at least a few days in advance so that you can get into a productive frame of mind.

Aside from grace, nothing of value comes without a cost. So, a good question to ask is: 

What have I had to give up or forego in order to maintain my relationship.

Giving up or foregoing important things is part of being a responsible adult…especially a responsible adult in a committed relationship. 

It would be tempting (and perhaps, reasonable) to ask this question and juxtapose it against what you’ve gained in the relationship. That would produce a nice profit and loss “spreadsheet” analysis. But since relationships are profoundly complicated, reducing your assessment to a spreadsheet seems a little shallow. Plus, reducing the assessment in this way dismisses the higher order features of a commitment like sacrifice, acceptance and forgiveness.

Acknowledging the cost of a relationship need not come with a sigh and an eye roll as when you realize you’ve paid too much for a shoddy pair of shoes. Rather, it can offer an opportunity to recognize that you’ve put great resources into the relationship because you value it highly.

Once you’ve identified what you’ve given up or foregone, ask yourself if you’ve consciously chosen to deprive yourself for the sake of your commitment. If you conclude that you’ve allowed yourself to be coerced into letting go of your desires, prepare yourself to either make significant changes or experience substantial and ongoing resentment.

Under the best of circumstances, you will notice that you’ve freely chosen to give up important things because you love your partner. Essentially, you have given a gift. 

The net result of this assessment will be to either identify changes that need to be made or affirm that the quality of your commitment makes giving up or foregoing things you would otherwise have a desirable gesture.