When sexual desire and performance meet.

For the most part, sexual performance is straightforward. While there are variations on the theme, performance itself is relatively uncomplicated. Human sexual desire, on the other hand, is incredibly complicated and nuanced. It can be powerful and relentless at one moment and fragile and elusive at the next moment. The complexity of desire is what makes sex a meaningful route to intimate connection with a partner. But when the complexity of desire meets the straightforwardness of performance a substantial amount of confusion can follow.

It’s not uncommon for an individual to desire a sexual experience but not be able to perform. By the same token individuals can perform but not experience much in the way of desire—certainly not the kind of desire that is personal. In other words, Sam may what to have sex and actually have sex without a meaningful desire for his partner, Chris. In these circumstances the partners will likely feel like something is missing. In the first case, performance is missing. In the second case, the appropriate kind of desire is missing.

Desire, at its best, is personal and emotional. It’s what makes a sexual encounter meaningful and even healing. Consequently, most of us want that encounter to be characterized by desire. More than being able to perform and respond sexually, most people want to experience desire and being desired. We want to be wanted.

In good sexual encounter, desire and performance coincide. A good sexual encounter combines the internal experience of desire with external, physical expression of that desire—or sexual performance. Typically, this involves a back and forth between the body's ability to transmit and respond to physical stimulation and how we feel with and about our partner. 

How does all this translate into a committed relationship?

There are a lot of reasons to believe that committed relationships provide the best environment for individuals to fully experience the rewards of sexual intimacy. While desire may be easily accessed in casual encounters, it tends to be superficial and fleeting. In other words, it’s not the kind of desire that inspires connection and growth. A committed relationship, on the other hand, provides the context for in-depth exploration of sexual desire and physical expression of that desire. Because there is no need for repeated getting-to-know-you exchanges, a couple can start from a deeper place and consequently achieve a more profound experience of intimacy.