Sometimes you just need to do something that feels unnatural.

Imagine for a moment that you are afraid of spiders.  (If you are actually afraid of spiders, this will come easily.) You walk into the kitchen to fill your water glass. As you approach the sink you see a spider crouched in the corner its legs and body dark against the white porcelain. You recoil, gasp, and step back across the room.

This is an example of doing what comes naturally. Quite likely, no one taught you to respond to spiders that way. It’s an instinctual reaction.

Most often, people’s behavior is a natural response to their experience.  For example, your natural response to anger might be to become angry yourself.  Or it might be to withdraw and disengage.

In a relationship, natural responses, repeated over time, create patterns of exchange between partners. A pattern of exchange can be around a specific issue such as discussions about money, or around simple daily interactions like how the couple greets each other in the morning.

Improving your relationship often requires changing an established pattern of exchange—which requires that one or both of you stop doing what comes naturally and start doing things that feel unnatural.  

This can be difficult. Because a peaceful, contented life requires some predictability, we are often reluctant to disrupt an established pattern…even though the disruption might lead to a better quality of relationship. It’s the old story of preferring the devil you know over the devil you don’t know.

Doing something new requires imagination, creativity, and courage. While it’s best when this kind of change is embraced by both parties, it’s not essential. With enough compassion, patience, and persistence one partner can often change the course of a relationship without the active participation of the other.

For example, instead of responding to your partner’s anger with your own anger or by withdrawing, you can choose to respond with openness and a willingness to dialogue. 

Your new response will feel unnatural. You will hope that your partner responds well, and they might not. So doing what feels unnatural can come with some risk. However, taking that risk increases the chances of making significant and desirable change in your relationship.

As long as you do what comes naturally, nothing changes.

Think about it …